The Iraqi Garden of Peace

Here we go again. 

Hooray! David is coming back tomorrow! Hallelujah, I see the light! I'm fantasizing about high-five-ing him as he walks through the door, as I'm running. Where? Well, if you have to ask, then you don't know me. Do any of you remember that? "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" the woman on stage at the Jerry Springer Show starts yelling at the audience as they boo her for having too many kids with unidentified daddies.  You're right, promiscuous lady. I don't know you, and I sure don't wanna know you.  Were these people for real? I've always wondered. Some of the plot lines were so ridiculous, but so incredibly entertaining! There was nothing I enjoyed better during the mornings when I treated myself to a sick day from the gehinnom I referred to as "High School" than flipping between Jerry Springer and Emeril.

Oh, right! I forgot to tell you where I'm running to. I'm running away to the nearest 5-star hotel. On the beach. ALONE. Just me and my 5-star buffet. All you can eat. Gour to the met.  

What's really going to happen is that David's going to drag his disheveled self through the door, tired from a long trip, and especially tired from schlepping three suitcases all over the Northeast. Seriously, is it my fault that the prices there are so much better? And then I'm going to get stuck with two weeks of stinky laundry on top of everything else. And furthermore, I'm going to have to cook him different food than the rest of us lowly second-class citizens eat. The Prince has to watch his girlish figure, you know. 

I really hope he doesn't read this. Love you, honey!

I gotta be honest. I love to shop. Online. I love workout clothes. I love to dance and lift weights. I love to play piano. And I absolutely HATE when my kids don't listen to me. HATEEEEE ITTTTTT!!!!!!! Phew. What a relief that I'm not deluding myself into thinking that I'm some kind of righteous woman who is too holy to enjoy material things. 'Cause you know there funna be a whole 'lot of those! Or men that think they're too holy to get a job, even though they're not particularly enjoying learning full-time. You know what Rav Arush says about such people? He says emphatically, "People, u'z gotz to keep it real! Be honest with yo'selfs! Take a good look in da mirror!" It's much funnier when you say it out loud. Try it. I won't tell. Only when we you embark on the holy path of Finding Yourself, will you be able to overcome the obstacles that keep you from being the Real Deal Holyfield. 

I gotta be honest. Again. I didn't understand Chemistry for the life of me. No amount of explaining, tutoring, or hypnosis had any effect on me. I just didn't get it. But that's okay! Rav Brody just gave me my foolproof excuse. See, I didn't learn Chemistry directly from God. I learned it from a Russian professor who bore a scary resemblance to Putin - both in looks and behavior. To this day the thought of his icy blue eyes staring right through me gives me the shivers. Okay, you got me. I totally cheated my way through Organic Chemistry. In my defense, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" I wasn't lucky enough to inherit any mathematical genius from anyone in my family. Not that there was any to inherit. 

 

YOU DON'T KNOW
ME!! Just 'cause I
have 12 kids and
don't work, it
doesn't mean I'm
lazy and don't like
to use birth control. 
R U my baby daddy?

Thank God, no one can use that line when it comes to the Torah. Rav Brody points out that everyone, that means all the Jews, yes, including you, Anon, received the Torah directly from Hashem. That means that we're all capable of following its laws and living like, well, Jews. You can't use the excuse that you weren't there that day, or you just don't get it, or your tummy hurts. In conclusion, there really is One Torah for Everyone.  One love. One soul. One people. Peace out, yo.

Attention, attention! I am hereby announcing my latest installment in my uber-popular "Garden" series, "The Iraqi Garden of Peace!" (Soundtrack playing hoots and cheers with a generous helping of applause. More like standing ovation, actually.) WARNING! My version is just as stinging as Rav Arush's bestseller, so you know what that means, right dear husbands? That's right! Just shut up and take it. 

Listen up, hubbies. So many wives are really, genuinely suffering from your gross, less-than-appreciative, I'm the King behavior. They've committed their lives to you, and you don't appreciate them even 1/10,000th as much as you should. Lucky for you, Rav Arush and I have teamed up to set you straight and hopefully save your marriage. Okay, so he probably doesn't even know I wrote it, but Rav Brody does, which counts for something, right? I have just one more thing to say to all you married, divorced, yet-to-be-married, wishing you weren't married, men: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! But read the article anyway. And don't worry - if you still can't manage to fix your marriage, you can always blame your parents. I do it all the time! 

I've learned everything about being a crazy person from my parents.

Have a wonderful week! (And yes, I made that ecard!)

~Racheli 


The Holy Shelah's Prayer

Image result for graff jewelry

Chodesh Tov, y'all!! I'm so excited, because it's Sivan, which means it's a full month of birthday celebrations! Yup, I'm expecting a gift every day, from someone. Anyone. Any takers out there? (Besides myself?) Judah? Tena? Rivka?? Anybody???

This stunning pink diamond ring is from my favorite jeweler, Graff. They make the most unbelievable pieces in the world! Ladies, check out this 0utrageous diamond and sapphire cuff! I'm not exactly holding my breath for any million dollar jewelry, but if you really feel the need... tizku l'mitzvot!  (Just a little fyi- I'm a size S in clothes and size 7 in shoes. I love anything Nike and Adidas, and I'm very proud to show off my bling-bling. Hahaha.)

But seriously, today is a very special day besides from the fact that it's Rosh Chodesh Sivan. Today is a very auspicious, suspicious, and nutritious day to say a beautiful prayer written by the Shelah Hakadosh. It's a prayer for our children's success in life. 

Here's the prayer

Have an amazing month!

~Racheli

 


The 7 Tenets of Belief in Yourself

Believe in Yourself
What is “belief in myself”? Here are the basic seven parameters:

  1. Hashem created me, as He did every other creature, with a unique trait of my own that no one else has, just as my fingerprints are unique; there is no exception to this rule.

  2. The particular attribute, skill, or talent that Hashem instills in me enables me to successfully accomplish my own very special mission on earth.

  3. Hashem wants me to successfully accomplish my mission on earth; I can therefore succeed.

  4. Hashem loves me, for He has no other child like me; He wants to help me and He loves hearing from me.

  5. I am a person of worth.

  6. I have the power to improve myself.

  7. I can be happy.

Repeat the above 7 parameters over and over, daily, until they become second nature. Once you believe in yourself, wait and see how your life takes off.


Carless

Nope. It's not a misprint. I'm officially "carless." But it's not my fault! Really! Here's what happened, in case you were wondering. On Friday when I turned on the engine, I heard this vague noise coming from the engine. But then I dismissed it as those freaky sounds that come from who-knows-where and people post them on youtube. You've probably seen those videos. You know, the ones where you hear crazy sounds like howling or ghosts or cows mooing all sorts of ghastly moo sounds. Maybe there's a secret cow cult that does bloody cow sacrifices in the deep forest. These cows take an oath of secrecy and will not reveal the fact that they're actually aliens from Planet X who have been sent to destroy the human race and replace all of us with stealth killer cow aliens. Cowliens. They even wear leather jackets with spikes on the shoulders. The bulls have their horns pierced with hoop earrings and diamond studs.

WHY ARE YOU WATCHING YOUTUBE???

G-d I love those videos.

So I heard this strange sound, and of course I ignored it. Can't be bothered with going to the mechanic when there are Zumba classes to go to, you know. Then, on Sunday morning, I heard it again. Ignored it again. Then, I had to go into Bet Shemesh for who-knows-what, and on the way there, my battery light suddenly turned on. Great. I almost thought about ignoring that too, but then I realized that I might get stuck on a road somewhere, so I drove straight to the mechanic.

"Your alternator isn't running smoothly," he told me. I was like, "Huh?" Then he gave me a crash course in alternators and pulleys, which incidentally I found fascinating. In the end, I had to leave my car there and walk the 8 miles home. Just kidding. I flew home on a Monsanto-sponsored GMO alien cow experiment gone horribly wrong.

So in an hour, I found myself carless. But that's life. We can't predict what will happen from one minute to the next, so we've just got to do our best to go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Follow the lights. ?? 

I just heard some jackals howling outside. Whoooooo, whooooooo! 

On second thought, that howling could likely be coming from teenagers.

On that note, I'm checking out. Sayonara. Asta lavista, baby. Asta Luego. Adios. Aloha. Arrivederci. Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. That was soooo annoying to copy. Au revoir. Shalom!

哇,你真的來谷歌翻譯找出我寫的嗎? 我印象深刻! 不幸的是,我寫的是無意義的!

祝你有美好的一天!
雷切爾